Do you have a "Bucket List" of things you want to see, feel or experience before your time in this physical body is over?
I don't have an actual list, but I do have hopes and dreams of what I want to do. But there are certain things that will not make The List, and I don't feel bad, or as if I am cheating myself, either. I definitely have no desire to sky dive, bungee jump, or even climb Mt. Everest. Although it was a very exhilarating experience learning to mountain climb - especially the repelling down off the mountainside part.
One of my bucket list items for the past 15 years has been to go on a spiritual retreat. Even though in my heart I thought this was something I wanted to do - and needed to do - I always hesitated for a number of reasons.
First of all, I am not a Monk, don't have any intentions to become a monk, and I am not your poster child of spiritual togetherness. And I don't see myself as one of THOSE types of people who wear hippy garb and bless everyone all the time and don't shave. Although at times I have come close to all of the above. And despite my public personna, I am very insecure and shy, and feel very out of place in unfamiliar or new settings. I suppose these two reasons alone warrant this as a bucket list happening thing.
I have also hesitated because of timing. When is a good time for someone like me where every day is a hedonistic tribute to denial of finding my purpose? To find a time when I can give up my routine of comfort and security, even if a destructive one, is challenging and disconcerting.
And I am afraid. I am afraid of what such a journey might bring in terms of needed change both below and above my surface. Am I ready to tackle that?
But my birthday is coming. And with this birthday, I will be closer to 50 than to 40 (yikes). Something about that is rocking my world. Making me pay a little more attention. I have been in denial for so long of growing up, and getting older. I have fought to remain a child, and not play the grown up game. But in fighting that, I have neglected myself in all aspects: physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Putting off the inevitable mortal-ness of being. Thinking myself of being a Here and Now person. When in actuality, I am just going through the motions of existence. Doing what is expected of me as a participant in existence. Call me crazy, but I truly know in the depths of my heart and soul that there is more to it for me than that. I just don't know if I am ready.
But ready or not, here I come. I booked the retreat, and now it is up to me to bring meaning to it - to my existence. I don't have high expectations that one weekend retreat can fix me, get me on track again, but I am holding out hope. I have a lot of work to do. I am a slave to my addictions and to the material world. But I know there is something inside, screaming to be let out. And I need to listen.
Again. Do you have a bucket list? What is it that you dream of?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Nice post. As I continue to celebrate my birthdays, I think age is just a number. What's more important is how you feel. You should always be happy. Don't start setting an expiration date or think there's an end and I must do this and that. As long as you have the strength to, you should always explore all aspects of life whether it's spiritual, physical, mental, or what ever. :)
ReplyDeleteAs for my bucket list, I have many things I would like to do and experience. Most are on hold until my baby is older and is independent.
Thanks for the post & the follow!
ReplyDeletecompletely agree about not setting deadlines/expirations dates, etc. i think what i am looking at here is that is exactly how i've lived my life, but it hasn't always worked for me, so i am thinking something different might be worth trying for this last part of my 40's decade! we'll see...i'll pretty much give anything a try. :0)